Like Big Penises" Two Minutes of Fame vs. A Life of Infamy
I was a proud father.
My daughter had finally shed her full time diapers for the
occasional drenching of her panties with urine, or sometimes
even worse...... but it was better than having to change diapers
10 times a day.
And so I was filled
with great pride when during Sunday Brunch at Weaver Street
Market my daughter announced that she had to "go pee
pee in the toilet." We both proudly marched to the men's
room.. she because she could tell when she had to pee and
myself because I had helped to teach her how to know it. We
entered the handicap stall, she pulled down her pants and
then I heard the magic sounds of water dripping on water.
Life is beautiful!
she hopped off the toilet and pulled her pants up. I was ready
to head back out and socialize, but she had other plans.
time for you to go pee pee" she announced. I could feel
some build up in my bladder so I acquiesced. I unzipped and
began to urinate, noticing that her eyes were glued to my
Suddenly she blurted
out "Dada, I like your big penis!". No woman has
ever told me that before so I was able to put it all in perspective(of
course, compared to her little 3 year old boyfriends, I probably
had what looked like an enormous penis). Her statement announced
to the rest of those other men lurking outside the stall was
at first a little embarrassing, but then I thought to myself
"With the number of emails that I get for Penis Enlargement
pills, there must be an abundance of small penises out there".
Putting two and two together I surmised that there must be
at least one(and maybe two)small-penised guys outside my stall,
envious of the man on the inside. That was enough to put a
bounce in my step.
And so we walked
out the door.
"Dada, I like
your big penis!" she sang out. This time in the short
hallway next to the woman's room. I imagined all the woman
inside the women's bathroom hearing those words and wondering
who the "man" was as they fantasized about a chance
encounter with the oversized stud in the hallway, riding themselves
of their under-endowed partner for life. I liked this feeling,
I never realized that my daughter's passing out of the diaper
stage would have such great side benefits.
As we entered the
wine department she began chanting "I like big Penises.
I like Big Penises."
The thought of
her announcing this to the whole store had it's appeal, not
unsimilar to how my neighbor would feel if his kid would start
chanting "I love your Hummer, I love your Hummer".
Since no one in Weaver Street could see my penis or his Hummer,
it's helpful to have our children advertise for us!(of course
to keep the comparison true, he would actually have to have
Suddenly, it dawned
on me. This could be taken out of context and could cause
some trouble. "Dada, I like your big penis!" is
not "I like big Penises. I like Big Penises." And
some unhappy bored and unfulfilled mother is not the same
as a diligent social worker who considers her work a 24 hour
crusade against the injustices in the world. in about a millisecond
my mood swung from that of proud male to terrified father.
I envisioned my name on the sex-offender web site with my
house showing up on the map as a little red star on my street.
It's one thing to have all the women in Weaver Street thinking
you're well-endowed. It's a whole different story to have
all your neighbors think you're a sex-offender on an early
This was not good!
I needed to get my daughter out of her "I like big Penises.
I like Big Penises." fixation before the wrong person
interpreted it the wrong way and I ended trying to explain
to a panel of overzealous social service employees what my
daughter "really meant".
Luckily, 3 year
olds are pretty easy to distract so an offer of a chocolate
chip cookie appeared to transfer her fixation on penises to
a fixation on chocolate chip cookies, which would just be
one more of a series of fixations that make up a 3 year old's
And I gladly gave
up my two minutes of fame at the risk of a lifetime of infamy.