Trio Banned From Weaver Street

Three well intentioned, unstanding citizens of Carrboro have been banned from Weaver Street Market Commons by the Nathan McMillan & Associates, the guardians of public safety. All three were banned for very different illegal activities, but only within days of each other. This qualifies as a complete breakdown of Carrboro morality.

The Carrboro News is desperately trying to find the thread that ties these three cases together and have settled on one of two possibilities: !) They were dangerous and a threat to the other hanger-outters at Weaver Street, or 2) They were having too much fun! I think the reader will have to make the call on this one.

Who were the perpertrators of an awful action and what was that action?

Perpetrator #1- Bruce, the dancing dirvish. Yes, Bruce was banned from dancing on the commons area. You can see Bruce almost daily performing his dance routine and your first impression is that he is crazy, because there is no music, but if you look closely, you'll see he has a walkman plugged in to his ear phones. He also practices Yoga, but The Carrboro News has not been able to confirm(we don't like to check sources) whether he has been banned from practicing Yoga also. One possible danger is that he may run into a little child(but they've been banned) and knock them over, or possibly, McMillan management is concerned that Bruce may hurt himself(some of his moves look very dangerous to himself). In that case, we at The Carrboro News can only applaud they concern for one of our citizens!

No, this isn't CJ who was banned from playing music on that very same bench- This is Bruce who was banned for dancing!

Perpetrator #2- CJ and his Volvo. CJ backs his Volvo up to the lawn in the parking lot, opens the rear door, turns on the music and listens to it with his friends.(This is mostly after the mall is shut!). We're having a hard time putting our finger on this one since CJ does't drink and is generally very well-behaved and considerate(He rents a room from my mom, so I should know!). We don't think he is a danger to himself or anyone else(he turns off the car engine so there are no carbon monoxide fumes), so his infraction must be having fun.

Perpetrator #3- Vivian, The Hooper. If anyone is a danger to themselves or others it is The Hoopers, led by Vivian. My daughter got hit in the nose by hoop that was being hooped(When walking behind-or in front of- a hooper, the hoop instantly appears from out of nowhere at close to sound barrier speed so it can put a nice dent in a child's nose!). Our sispician is that Vivian's infraction is that McMillan is trying to prevent a mass movement before it gets out of control. At the rate the Hoopers are expanding it will only be a matter of time before they fill the commons area and overflow into the parking lot, Weaver Street Market and then finally, Carr Mill Mall.

We, at the Carrboro News, have to applaud Nathan for acting so quickly and averting a catastrophe in all three cases. After all, if these three pertetrators' parents had been as diligent as Nathan, he wouldn't have had to be!